she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
