Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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