New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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