if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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