never play flip cup with pint glasses
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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