We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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