the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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