so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
