there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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