mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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