you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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