she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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