I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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