i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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