hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
