At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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