You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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