We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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