I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
