Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
