Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
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