I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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