i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He passed out mid-signature
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
