you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Screwed.edu
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
