I am puke
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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