she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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