You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
