clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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