if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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