Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
