ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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