I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
