mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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