you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
