I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Who died my cat blue again?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
