hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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