I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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