I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
