Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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