I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
