the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
