I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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