Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
