just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
