Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
