Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
