omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
