its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
