Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
