Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
