soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
