***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
