Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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