I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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