your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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