I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
