I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
