my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
