I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
jump out the window naked night went bad
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