i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
