two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
