So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
