I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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