btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
